


Behind His Smile

by fir8008



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 03:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1251607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fans say he has a charming smile. His members don't bother looking past it. No one knows what Suho's hiding behind that winning grin. He's hiding the truth behind a smile. And Exo-K learns the truth has a bitter taste.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind His Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on February 24, 2013.
> 
> Updated on July 25, 2017 for readability.

_“Behind many smiles hide rivers of tears. Never be fooled by a smile! Sometimes people who laugh the most in our presence are those who cry the most when they are alone at night.”_ –Unknown

The fans say he has a charming smile. He wonders if they know what’s behind the smile. He wonders if they know how much he’s hiding behind that charming, warm grin.

Suho lost his sense of self-worth a long time ago. Maybe that’s how he lets himself get pushed around all the time. Everyone else is good at something:  _ aegyo _ , dancing, rapping, singing, eyeliner… but what is Suho good at? He’s the oldest, he doesn’t dance well, he doesn’t rap well, and compared to the other main vocals he doesn’t even sing that well. He feels himself sliding down the pit of utter, crippling depression but he doesn’t even like himself enough to cry for help.

The first time he cuts, he doesn’t mean to. D.O. was losing his mind trying to cook something and Suho offered to help him chop vegetables. While dicing onions the knife slipped and cut Suho’s finger. The leader yelped in pain, pressing a paper towel to the cut flesh. It hit him slowly that being absorbed in physical pain kept him from thinking about his emotional pain. It’s a scary piece of knowledge.

The second time he cuts, it’s intentional. The others are out and Suho locks himself in the bathroom with a tiny razorblade. Cautiously, he pricks his skin with the edge. He doesn’t make a big cut, he’s merely testing the waters. He winces at the sting. His nerves are frenzied and his mind is so absorbed in clotting the cut he doesn’t think about the ache in his chest. It’s refreshing.

The third time he cuts, he’s cuts deeper. He pushes the sharp edge into the skin and drags it across his wrist. His vision goes hazy for a second as the blood drips out of his self-inflicted wound. He’s mesmerized by the red rivulets swimming across the expanse of milky skin. He smiles a sick little smile to himself.

It doesn’t take long before cutting becomes his escape. Every time the dorm gets a little too crazy, the  _ dongsengs _ get a little too wild, he locks himself somewhere and cuts. Little scars start to pop up on his skin and he’s begun to wear long sleeve shirts exclusively. He’s still functioning, still faking smiles everywhere they go, still getting pushed around, but he has solace in a small metal blade.

Soon, Suho’s self-harming becomes an obsession. If he doesn’t do it he feels dizzy and out of control. His hands shake and the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. He’s more willing to take risks now, too. He used to never do it around the other members, but now he’s done it even as Sehun sat on the bed across from his, nonchalantly talking to Luhan on the phone. He’s volunteered to clean the bathroom for D.O. so no one ever has the chance of seeing stray droplets of blood. Suho thinks he has everything under control. No one would ever suspect what was happening, especially not when he still plastered on that fake smile.

When he can’t find his razor he panics. When his heartbeat resumes normalcy, he tells himself that someone might have needed to shave and just took one to put in their shaver. Suho catches his breath and scrapes the scabs off with a paper clip, making the skin sting. That night D.O. asks him if he wants to accompany the others to a dance club. It’s out of character for the others to ask him anywhere and Suho is shocked. But he agrees to go because he figures if he can’t cut he might as well drink to take the edge off of his anxiety.

The club is packed with sweaty bodies. Kai and Sehun are tearing up the dance floor while the other three are moving around awkwardly. Chanyeol looks like a lost, wounded giraffe while Baekhyun and D.O. are simply flailing along to the beat. Suho sits at the bar sucking down shots like a pro, loving the inebriated state he’s in. He’s so drunk he doesn’t even think twice about grinding on some sweaty guy with wandering hands. The other man whispers in his ear that he wants to go out the back way and Suho stumbles after him, like a lamb headed to the slaughter.

He’s pushed to the ground by the other man. In his drunken state, he doesn’t know what’s happening. Waves of nausea hit him. The other man grabs him by the hair and pulls him back to his feet. The world spins. By now Suho knows he’s in danger but can’t find the voice to yell for help. His pants are yanked down, denim pooling at his ankles, chest shoved against the wall. The sharp edges of brick cut his face and his heart is pounding in his ribcage.

“Scream and I’ll break your neck,” the other man hisses in his ear.

Suho bites through his lip, blood staining his teeth and dripping down his chin. His lower half in on fire and he feels ready to split in two. He’s a virgin and he’s being raped in the alley behind some seedy club. He sobs into the bricks, wishing for death because he knows no one is coming to rescue him. His attacker is definitely leaving bruises on his hips as he abuses the younger. Suho feels the blood dripping down his thighs and he sobs harder. When the other man is finished with him he sinks his teeth into Suho’s neck, leaving an ugly hickey in its wake. “Thanks, cutie,” he whispers into Suho’s ear.

As soon as his footsteps fade away, Suho collapses, his body wracked with sobs. He’s in so much pain and he feels so dirty. The nausea returns and he vomits in the alley. Are the others wondering where he is? Are they worried? He doubts it.

Suho tests his jelly-like legs and manages to get to his feet. He gingerly pulls his pants up and hobbles back to the car. He crawls into the backseat and wraps himself in a blanket. It takes a while for the others to return and none of them ask why Suho is already in the car. The drive back to the dorm is relatively quiet, as everyone is exhausted or tipsy or both. Suho waits until everyone is in bed before crawling into the shower. He scrubs at his skin vigorously, tears returning underneath the scalding stream of hot water. He scrubs until the water is ice cold and he still doesn’t feel clean enough. He crawls back into his bed and drifts off into a nightmare filled slumber.

 

Earlier that day…

“ _ Hyung _ !  _ Hyung _ ! Come here!” Sehun blinked again and again. That’s not really what it is, is it?

“Yes, Sehun-ah?” D.O. walked over to where the  _ maknae _ is. “Is something wrong with the toilet? God dammit, I told that stupid Chanyeol that if his shits were going to clog the damn thing…”

“No, no, no, no, nothing’s wrong with the toilet.” Sehun held up the bloody razorblade. “ _ Hyung _ , what is this?”

D.O.’s eyes bugged out. “W-w-what the hell is that!? Oh Sehun, I don’t know what they teach you in school but don’t you know this is never the answer?” The dorm  _ umma _ cuffed the back of the  _ maknae _ ’s head.

“Oww!  _ Hyung _ , this isn’t mine! I found it next to the toilet.” He pushed up his sleeves showing immaculate skin. “See? It’s not me.”

“Then whose is it?” D.O. snapped. He stomps over to the living room where Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Kai were playing video games. “Yah! All of you come over here now!”

Seeing the anger on D.O.’s face they complied. Gathered around Sehun, still holding the bloody razorblade, they gawked.

“Alright, who does this belong to?” D.O. seethed.

“Kyungsoo, you can’t possibly believe…” Kai began.

“Kim Jongin, I am not having this right now! Whose is this?” D.O. forcibly inspected arms amid protests of  _ I’m not stupid, That’s not mine, You are such a  _ mom _ , hyung _ . By process of elimination, their slumbering leader was the culprit.

“That doesn’t make sense!” Baekhyun protested. “Joonmyun-hyung would never…”

“He’s been acting weird lately,” Chanyeol piped up.

“When isn’t he weird?” Kai sneered, earning an evil look from D.O.

The five stand in shocked silence. Sehun dropped the blade into the waste basket and retreated to the room he and Suho share. He returned with a box of shaving razors. It’s a value pack but more than half of the blades were gone. “ _ Hyung _ doesn’t even shave every day.”

“But why would he do that?” Baekhyun asked. “That’s not like him. He’s always so cheerful.”

D.O. looked grim. He snatched the box from the  _ maknae _ and tossed it in the trash. “Let’s not talk about this anymore, okay? We can talk to Suho-hyung later.”

That night, D.O. asked Suho if he wanted to go clubbing with the others. Surprisingly, Suho agreed to go but he lingered by the bar the whole time while the others danced. They didn’t see Suho get up and leave with the stranger, but they did notice he left the bar.

“Hey, where’d Suho go?” D.O. asked Baekhyun.

“Bathroom maybe?” the other replied.

When the night came to a close they trudged back to the van and found Suho in the backseat wrapped in a blanket. They didn’t question how he got there or what’s wrong. The leader immediately headed to his room and collapsed onto his bed. The others washed up, exchanging worried glances. Sehun tiptoed back into the room and tried to go to sleep. He heard the leader stir and watched him limp to the bathroom. He heard the shower turn on. He watched the clock and saw Suho had been in there for nearly an hour. Sehun pondered getting up and checking on Suho, but decided that everything can be sorted in the morning and fell asleep.

 

The whole dorm wakes up to screaming.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Suho is thrashing around in his bed, screaming at the top of his lungs. Sehun is slapping at his face, crying for the elder to wake up. The door bangs open and the other four are there, trying to figure out what’s wrong.

When Suho wakes up he’s face to face with his  _ dongsengs _ ’ concerned looks. He wants to cry because he’s never seen them care about him, but there’s an ugly feeling in his gut telling him they’re probably just annoyed at being awoken so early. He apologizes, brushing it off as a meaningless nightmare. The others file out but Sehun continues to sit by the leader.

“Sehun-ah,  _ mianhae _ . It was just a nightmare. Nothing to worry about.” Suho flashes his plastic smile.

Sehun wants to tell Suho he knows about the razors, but can’t find the words to do it. So he takes Suho’s words and leaves it at that. Before he goes, he sees the hickey. Another thing he doesn’t question.

_ YOU ALMOST GOT CAUGHT _ . Suho thinks to himself.  _ You’re worthless and dirty AND you’re stupid _ . His hands are shaking. He needs to cut. He rifles through his drawer, trying to find his razors but they’re nowhere. His brow furrows with irritation. Eventually he gives up and slides one of the dull blades out of his shaver. He goes into the bathroom and digs the sharper edge into his skin. He hisses at the sting but he relishes this feeling. He grits his teeth and he drags the blade across his marred skin, digging it in deeper. Red blood gushes to the surface, trickling over the fresh scars. Suho smiles at the blood, the pain easing just a little as the fresh cut begins to burn. He takes the blade again and slices another piece of skin. The rivers of blood meet and drip onto the white tiles. Suho doesn’t notice his vision going spotty, or his eyes rolling back. He’s blacked out before his head hits the floor.

 

“Joonmyun-hyung isn’t an easy guy. I don’t think he’d let a guy just do that to him. Something happened last night. He was in the shower for more than an hour.” Sehun fidgets across from D.O.

“I know, he wasn’t walking straight either. I knew he was drinking, but I didn’t think he’d go off with someone.” D.O. slices a carrot angrily. “We should’ve gone and looked for him!”

“Nothing we can do about it now,  _ hyung _ .” Kai says soothingly, popping the piece of carrot into his mouth.

“Least we can do is talk to him.” D.O. sighs. “Where is he anyway?”

“I saw him go into the bathroom.”

“Hey, Chanyeol! Baekhyun! We’re going to have a meeting. Yeol, go get Suho out of the bathroom.”

Chanyeol lumbers over to the closed door and knocks on it. “Hey,  _ hyung _ , Kyungsoo wants to have a meeting.” When there’s no response, Chanyeol knocks again. “ _ Hyung _ , you okay?” Another knock. “ _ Hyung _ ?” Chanyeol tries a new approach. “Hey,  _ hyung _ , hurry up. I have to pee.” He even does the pee-pee dance for effect. “ _ Hyung _ ! Get out of there!”

“What’s the matter?” Baekhyun snaps.

“He won’t open up.”

“ _ Hyung _ , I’m opening the door.” Baekhyun calls in. He turns the knob and pushes the door open carefully.

Chanyeol screams.

“Oh my lord, Park Chanyeol they are not going to give you any high notes do not even try to hit them! What is taking you so long?” D.O. fumes.

“K-K-K-K-Kyungsoo, call an ambulance!” Baekhyun screams.

“What?”

“It’s Suho! There’s blood everywhere, call an ambulance!”

Kai is the first one to the phone, dialing the emergency number.

“Get a towel, we’ve got to wrap his arm. Let’s try to move him out of the bathroom, the hospital people won’t have room to move him in there.” D.O. feels like a headless chicken trying to direct the others. Guilt is clawing at his stomach. Why didn’t they stage this intervention sooner?

The wait at the hospital is tense. The five of them and the manager sit in silence. Guilt is hanging over their heads. Sehun is in tears, sobbing noisily about how he should’ve talked to Suho last night. D.O. is growling at himself about not going to look for Suho at the club. The other three are trying to figure out how they missed everything. How did none of them know that Suho wasn’t okay? How did none of them see  _ anything _ ?

When the doctor reads them Suho’s report, it’s like getting punched in the stomach. D.O. breaks down when the doctor says Suho was raped. In addition to the physical problems Suho had, the doctor also said the leader was suffering from severe depression and anxiety.

“He went through all of it by himself,” D.O. sniffles. “We left him alone. We’re supposed to be a family. How did none of us  _ know _ ?”

Suho hid the truth behind his smile. And the truth has a bitter taste.


End file.
